Go Phillies

My favorite things:

• Spending time with Kyle
• Waking up earlier than normal at my aunts house and drinking coffee with whatever adults happen to be present
• Talking to my mom on the phone
• Hiking on a crisp fall day
• The first time I have to scrape ice off of my windshield
• Weddings
• Things that are orange or purple
• Rainy days and good books
• Discovering a really good beer with Kyle. (founders wet-hopped WHERE ARE YOU?)
• Waiting a really long time for food at Tupelos
• A good scary movie
• Biscuits
• Great Danes
• Making people laugh
• Thai and Indian food
• Lighting fires in the wood stove
• Babies laughing
• A good hug
• Snuggling :)

I can't take it

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Every time I leave I die a little more somewhere inside. That sounds really dramatic I know. But I truly feel it. I feel it in the tears that escape as I drive away and in that horrid empty feeling that comes when I get back to Boone. I hate it here. I hate the sadness and the stress that I feel. I hate not coming home to you. I can't even sleep in my own bed without you here. I sleep on the couch half the time.

Its all so ridiculous. I don't want to be this needy person. I want to be strong and say "yeah the next 20 months are going to fly by and everything will be great!" But I can't. I can't stay here. I can't feel this heartache for that much longer. Its hard enough now when I am free to come and go on the weekends. Next semester will require a job and then I'll be stuck. Then that internship? Yeah they tell you to say goodbye to your personal relationships. I can't. Its not worth it to me.

I've come to realize that I am not here for me anymore. I was excited about this at the beginning but my heart is not in it. I am not putting forth enough effort to make this worth it. I'm not strong enough for this right now. But who on earth is going to understand that? WHO? Will you? Would you please? I need you to understand and to help me. I need my parents and my family to understand and support my decision. I want out so bad. I should have listened to my heart 3 months ago when I realized I was not ready for this. I thought stepping down from the RD role would help.. and it has somewhat. But school is just not where I can be right now.

S.O.S

10.01.09

I don't know what I'm more afraid of

• The desperate need to fill silence or silence itself
• What is or isn't said
• Change or the lack thereof
• Never making any promises or dealing with the fallout of the unfulfilled
• What is hidden in the dark or what the light reveals

One might say I was stuck.

Random thoughts

 A List:

1.  I think that being widowed should be illegal. Or I guess just impossible. 

2. I think that we have more control over our bodies than most people realize

3. The veins in my wrist freak me out (along with that impossible bone that sticks out)

4. I don't understand how someone can tell someone else they love them and then go out and cheat on them

5. I want to go to another Death Cab concert

6. The constant shower of advertisements on the radio/television/highway make me dizzy. and sick to my stomach

7. The only fast food I really like is ChickFilA

8. I often find myself hoping to be a certain kind of person.. while I'm doing the very things that contradict said ideals

9. Baking is good for the soul, bad for the arteries

10. I want a baby, until I hear one screaming, then I want to run

11. I don't really miss being a child

12. I don't think I've ever actually yelled at someone out of anger but I do wonder what it would feel like

13. 'Your Mom' is a phrase I should cut out of my vocabulary

14. Coffee without milk is gross

15. Everyone should have a front porch... and the people who have them should spend more time on them

16. I hate walking by someone who is visibly upset... but don't have the guts to ask if they are ok. 

17. Some sad songs make me feel better, some scare me

18. The last time I laughed til I cried was when I launched a chopsticks wrapper into my moms water glass

19. I love sunrises on the beach

20. I'd rather it be raining than sunny

I can't get used to it

So I guess its time to blog about graduation. Here goes

I'll start with Thursday... well I guess Wednesday (May 6th) Wednesday Kyle and I drove to Chapel Hill because Josh was having a graduation party at his house . It was a lot of fun. I think Kyle was crowned the BP king for the night. Then we went out on the town (at midnight) and around 2:30 when the place started to close down we went to wait for the bus... which never came. So we flagged a taxi which took us as far as $10 would take us... and then we walked back to the house, ate pizza, and passed out between 430 and 5. At 830 the next morning we had to get up and drive back to Campbell. I was meeting Dusty, Chelsea, and Sarah Jean for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory in Raleigh. We had a lot of fun with that. Strangely enough we ended up meeting up with my dad in the mall wherein a 15 minute argument about the best way to get back to school ensued. We picked up Kyle's cookie cake (which unfortunately it turned out they could not make a spongebob graduation cake), and realizing it was 2 p.m. already and we had a party to get ready for (round 2) we hit the road. Of course I cried because I had to say goodbye to Chelsea because she wasn't coming to the party* 

Moving on. Kyle and I got to Dusty's before everyone else so I could give dusty her present.. and just incase my parents got there early. I popped open a BLL and talked and laughed with the people in the house. One by one people started arriving. My dad got there and gave me part of my graduation present (a tripod and monopod holla!) and then I believe my mom and jim arrived right as dinner was being served (baked ziti!!) We sat down to eat and Lance and Amber, Sara, Cameron, Aaron, Brittany, Josh, Johnny B and others trickled in.  Surprise of all surprises Chelsea walked in. I think I actually shrieked. For those of you that know me well.. this does not happen. It was a crazy combination of people. I love them all. 

Dinner was eaten and people spread out around the house just chatting and catching up. I felt like a bouncy ball going back and forth between people trying to take in as much as possible. Lance gave Dusty and I one of the best graduation presents ever. At some point a bunch of us had gathered out on the porch. We were blessed with a spring storm. As soon as it started to pour both dusty and I decided that we of course had to run out in it for old times sake. Then Sarah, Chelsea, and Brittany ran out of the house and we took one last epic run in the rain. It was truly amazing. 

We went inside to mop ourselves up and then someone (i don't remember who) decided to put on Hellgoodbye's Here in your arms. Which is our dance party song from sophomore year. So Chelsea, Sarah Jean, Dusty, and I all joined in for a hysterical and slightly awkward dance. We normally do this in private... not this time.. but alas. We had fun :)

 After that my parents left and Dusty's sort of made themselves scarce then the real party started! Just kidding... haha I suppose after the parents left we probably got louder and crazier but nothing too intense... never our style. 

For a while I just sat on the stairs and watched the laughter and the smiles and listened to the buzz of the conversation. Being a wallflower was always more my style.... Eventually a few other joined me on the stairs and we talked about the old days of Burkot and Campbell and many other irrelevant topics (such as how we were emo for sitting on the stairs) It really was a beautiful night. Even though it was the last time we would be able to get together like that there weren't a lot of tears.I might have been the only one who cried actually...but anyway... Mostly there was just love...

The next day I spent a lot of time packing. Or tried to. Around 11am I broke down but luckily Kyle walked in about 5 minutes later and rescued me. We took some stuff I had and dropped it off at Goodwill and then drove to Cary to meet my parents and Camden and his crew for lunch. After that we just chilled at the hotel my parents were staying at. It seemed a little silly to drive all the way back to school if we were just going to come back for dinner. My grandparents showed up mid-afternoon.  We went to dinner at Sushi-Thai... a restaurant Kyle and I discovered far too late. After dinner we went back to school and packed more and then watched Jackass... comedic relief. 

Saturday. The BIG day. I woke up earlyish to pack more and to get things in order. Kyle came over around 10am after he had gotten everything ready for the day. We wrote our "matriculation day" poem and tried to relax for a while. At about 1030 - 11 my dad and Camden et all arrived. It was HOT. Definitely the hottest day of the year so far. We ran to ChikFila to get some food for everyone and then Ruthie and Heath and my mom and Jim showed up. Everyone left around 1230 to head over to the convocation center to make sure they got seats. Kyle and I walked over to the convocation center to get ourselves seated and lined up. This was the most surreal experience. Walking into the practice gym and seeing all of these people in caps and gowns. We all found our own little hand sanitizer spray bottles in our seat (to protect us all from swine flu... ahem... H1N1) Which I found slightly comical. Then we sat down in our assigned seats for an HOUR proceeding the ceremony. Mr. McGirt droned on for 45 minutes about proper decorum and such... nobody listened. 

Finally around 2 we began marching into the arena. I was the last undergraduate student in line (and to walk) so it was quite the wait. The ceremony was ridiculously long.  Hannah, Amy and I spent a lot of time being silly...to keep ourselves from dying of boredom. At some point I saw where Kyle's family was and I started making weird faces at Ben who was trying to take a picture of me. It made me so happy and proud in a weird way to watch Aaron, Sarah, Dusty, Kyle, and Carl walk across that stage. The social work majors graduate by themselves and we are the last undergraduate program to walk. It was great to see everyone walk. When you spend the majority of 3 years with the same 16 people...working on ridiculous papers and prjects..  you become close in a way. I wasn't really nervous to walk... except that i had really high heels on and I didn't want to trip.. although some comedic relief might have been good for some of the parents in the audience. Finally around 5pm (yes... 3 hours later) the benediction was said and we began the long process of marching out of the arena. It took until 520ish to get everyone outside and ready to take pictures but we finally did it. There was a 15 minute flurry of picture taking and then kyle and I and both of our families had to depart post haste to get to Raleigh. We had reservations at 630... oh dear.

Did I mention it was HOT? We hurried across the street.. figured out the logistics of how everyone was going to get there and then sped off. Kyle and I broke apart from the group so we could make a stop. A storm was busy brewing so it just got hotter and hotter until all hell broke lose. I hate driving in the rain. And driving in 440 in evening traffic in the driving rain is a nightmare. So needless to say when we got to the restuarant I needed to sit in the car for a moment and breathe. But I was also really hungry. Altogether there was about 22 people in our group. We ate  Taverna Agora, a greek restaurant on Glenwood that was just delicious. It was a really fun dinner. By the time I had eaten (and had a glass of wine) and calmed down I as completely exhausted... and about as excited to drive home as I would be to sit through that ceremony again. But we made it... mostly alive. I still had a little bit of packing to do. And Kyle needed to pack for the trip. I think I made it to about 1030 and then fell asleep faster than I can remember doing so in a long time. 

All in all it was a great experience. I understand why a lot of people choose not to walk because it is a hassle but its also an irreplaceable experience. Plus it was new to me as I did not have that option in high school. I really had a great time in the days leading up to the ceremony and the day of. I am so thankful for the family and friends that made the effort to get there and who sat through the entire thing. Especially my 5 and 7 year old nephews and my 82 year old grandfather. Bless their patient souls. 

So whats it like to be done with college you ask? Well first I would just say I'm not really done. I have 2 more years to get through... though it will be different. But otherwise I would just say its still surreal. I still feel like I will be headed by to campbell in August. I know I won't. But I don't think I'll totally realize that until I get settled into the next chapter...

Finding my revolution

So amidst reading Jesus for President and An Irresistible Revolution and also just having a lot of time to think, I find myself aching to find my own revolution. I know in order to do that I have to actually put myself out there and literally actively search for it. But I'm not sure how to go about that. Do I have the courage to go hang out with the homeless population in Honolulu? Certainly not. And what would I say to them when I got there. What on earth do I have to offer. And what about when I leave.  I'm about to become a leader of many young minds (though many not much younger than myself) but how do I reflect the life of Christ to them without forcing my own beliefs onto them. And again... what do I really have to offer? 

I was never much of a conversationalist. I prefer to listen. I don't have any great wisdom to impart. I literally cannot think of a single talent I have that could enrich their lives. 

I guess at the moment there is not much I can do about my future in Boone. And my present... i have no idea. Continue to live selfishly for another month and a half?  Sure I am volunteering time at FOCUS but.... I'm not really sure thats what Jesus had in mind. 

curses.

TEN (10)

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People.
1. I'm sorry for the way things ended. But then again I'm not. I was vulnerable and you knew that and took advantage of the fact. I really don't ever want to speak to you again but I hope that you are doing well.
2. I do not understand you at all. maybe you genuinely just don't care about me anymore and thats ok but just stop pretending. I can take it if that is the case but I can't deal with the up and down. I wish I understood what it was that I did that made you dislike me so much.
3. You should stop. Really, this is stupid. I don't understand how you could even begin to think this is a good idea. Are you stupid? Crazy? Maybe just that unstable. You need help. I mean real professional help. Find a therapist. Please.
4. I still miss you in the strangest ways and at the worst times. When I think a lot. When its quiet and I'm alone I still feel this heart wrenching pain that I wish would never return again. I don't want to forget you at all. But you will forget me eventually.
5. You are stupid. You are throwing away your life and pushing everyone that has ever loved you away. I am so angry at you still that it brings tears to my eyes. You couldn't even say goodbye? Over 10 years and you couldn't be bothered to say goodbye. It shouldn't hurt but it does. I shouldn't care but I do. Let her be. Give her space. Figure your life out. You have a lot of apologizing to do.
6. Forever?
7. I appreciate you and love you more than you know. We have been through a lot together and its going to be hard without you. We have shared so much laughter and pain. I hope I know you forever.
8. Just let go! Stop trying to control everything. You'll sleep better I promise. You can't hold everything so close or it will fall apart. You are loved and appreciated and you have lived through and accomplished so much. Just be please. Open your mind and your heart. Love
9. You piss me off royally. really. You do not care for anyone but yourself. Not even him. It shows in your complete and total lack of ability to open up to any new idea or to show excitement for anyone else's joy. Let your gaurd down and everything won't be so hard. Open your eyes. Be nice... even when it hurts.
10. You are a jerk. How could you do that? I should thank you because really it had a good result but I should also punch you for even thinking it. We all had our faults here and I take my share of the blame and it kills me to think of what I did. BUT HOW COULD YOU? We were kind of blind but you knew exactly what you were doing and that you could potentially get away with it. I still haven't forgiven you or myself. I know I should but you seriously screwed us up. I can't believe she speaks to either of us honestly. Ugh. You make me ill.

Nine things about myself.
1. I am going to App state for grad school
2. I sing all the time. Music = love
3. I hate cats
4. I recently discovered that cheese is pretty amazing. Unless its cheddar. Blech
5. I love driving long distances. I long to drive across the country again.
6. I love reading. Whether its serious, in depth or light fun reading I'm there.
7. I am insecure in my relationships with people. I have trust issues
8. ILOVE the beach but want to live in the mountains
9. I wish I could dance... but I am uncoordinated

Eight ways to win my heart and keep it
1. Make me laugh
2. Make me think
3. Make me blush
4. Believe me
5. Be trustworthy
6. Be honest
7. Be openminded
8. Be vulnerable

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
1. Kyle
2. Music
3. Family
4. Faith and uncertainty
5. the "future"
6. French fries
7. Worries

Six things I do before I fall asleep.
1. Brush my teeth
2. Wash my face
3. Decide what bizzare combination of clothing i want to sleep in
4. Stare at my room and wish it was clean
5. Plank
6. Tell kyle goodnight

Five people who mean a lot to me.
1. Kyle
2. Mom
3. Dusty
4. Erin
5. Aunt Lynn

Four things you're wearing right now.
1. Dress slacks
2. Black 4 inch heels
3. Turquoise shirt
4. Underarmor jacket... interesting combo i know

Three songs that you listen to often.
1. For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti- Sufjan Stevens
2. Blue and Gold Print- Mates of State
3. Fallen- Sarah Mclachlan

Two things you want to do before you die.
1. Go to Scotland and the Czech Republic
2. Make a difference in someone life who really needs it

One thing you want right now.
1. I wish it was Saturday. Wedding showers and rebellion with Sara. And best of all Kyle is coming back.

Spring Break 2009

Thats High!

So for spring break this year (our final of our undergraduate careers!) Dusty and I decided to skip the sun and the sand and head out to Colorado. We got up at 3am Thursday morning and flew from Raleigh to Denver. My dad picked us up at around 9am local time and we headed off to his place of residence. After a few days of hanging  out and catching up on some much needed sleep we packed our things and drove off to the Rocky  Mountains. We stopped in at Idaho Springs so Dusty could get her BeauJo's fix. If you are ever in Idaho Springs and are hungry I highly recommend BeauJo's. Best pizza I've ever had! We then continued our travels to Silverthorne. Checked into the hotel, gathered our wits.... and went out. (c:) Monday morning we got up around 7. Put on our newly purchased ski gear, rented some skis and headed up to Keystone resort. (about 10 miles up the road) After testing out our skills on the "schoolmarm" my dad thought it would be ok to take us down a "blue" run [never again]. Yikes. My legs have never been so tired. I fell 4 times that day but managed not to injure myself too badly. Around 3 we decided it was time to head out because we were exhausted. Skiing is one of the most tiresome things I have ever done. This morning, (tuesday), we got up and donned our attire once again. Back to the resort. More skiing. Less falling. My dad called me pie wedge (pie legs!?!?) all day. For those of you who have been skiing... you know what this means. We called it quits around 1 because we still had to drive back and once again we were tired. Daddy took us back through Loveland Pass (as you can see) so we got to use our new(ish) cameras to take some amazing pictures. The mountains out here never cease to amaze me. I have seen them almost once a year for my entire life but they still take my breath away. Just standing (and sliding) on top of the mountain and staring out across the snow-capped range made the nerves and the sweaty palms worth it. 

So we (semi-reluctantly) came back down the mountain to find it was 75 degrees outside. (score!) We went and had chinese at my uncle's house and were well entertained by my cousins (Justin, 7 and Joe, 4) We came back home and watched The Abyss...semi-bad early 90s Sci-Fi. almost 3 hours long. Dusty gets to pick the next movie....

So tomorrow we will do laundry, rest up, hang out, laugh, and have fun. Its been a good trip and a great experience. I love Colorado as always though I know the east coast is my home. I am having a lot of fun but of course I am missing someone terribly. I will be sad to leave my dad but I am excited to get home and kiss and hug Kyle and finish up my last two months at Campbell. 

These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right

The One Where They Grew Up

Friends anyone? 

So. Yesterday I received a phone call at 8pm from App State. I have been invited for the GAPP interview weekend! This means that I am interviewing for two separate positions ( RD or Community Development) as a graduate assistant. Unfortunately it does not mean that I got into the graduate school. Still waiting on them to finish "reviewing" my applications. (HOW LONG DOES THAT TAKE!!?!?!?) I am so nervous. But extremely excited. I go up there next Thursday (YIKES) and  they have all sorts of meet and greet type things. I'll stay with another graduate student and there is tours of the school and the town and then on Friday and Saturday the interviews take place. I was literally jumping up and down I was so excited. This is a rare occurrence (those of you who know me, know this) but it was quite liberating. I called my mom and managed to get it all out to her before i squealed again. Then I ran outside to call dusty (stupid cell service) and we squealed together. Then as I was hanging up with Dusty, Kyle came walking up and I ran down the stairs and jumped on him and stringed some words that apparently made sense to tell him what was happening. AHHHH. Then today and when i got to the office and my supervisor got off the phone I told her, the other intern and the other caseworker what was happening... and squealed a few more times. I was starting to go into a mild panic this afternoon but then I talked to Lance and he gave me some pointers on what to say and how to act and I feel much more confident. Right now anyway. Next week I will be a mess I'm sure. oi vey.

SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

But anyway: On growing up.

Yesterday we had the School of Education convocation. Basically a commissioning service. They hold it every year and its mostly directed at Education majors but they include the Psych and Social Work majors anyway. We wear graduation robes and walk and everything. Dean Nery BUTCHERED my name as I walked across the stage. absolutely mangled it. Ssstory CATlin Urbaanik? I cringed as Mr. Gore handed me my pin and could hear my classmates giggling behind me. I was happy as a lark cause we were allowed to sit wherever so I sat with Kyle (duh) and we were ourselves and made fun of people most of the service. They sang Lonesome Road. LONESOME ROAD. One of the worlds most depressing songs ever. i mean. SERIOUSLY.   Dusty and Sarah shot me a look from where they were sitting and we just rolled our eyes and laughed at the horrible choice in music. We could laugh only because its not graduation. Had it been graduation the 3 of us would have been bawling our eyes out. 

But anyway. It was kind of a precursor to graduation. And it made me realize even more how close that blessed day is. (88 days!) I am nervous excited sad and scared... and maybe just a wee bit proud. Not just of myself, of my friends too. I'm proud of the fact that we made it (almost) and that we did it together (for the most part) and that we are supportive of each other. I'm proud of the knowledge (academic and otherwise) that we have obtained and the growth we have all experienced. I'm so happy to report that I am confident that these people that I stood on stage with are ready to move on and to work or go to grad school and that they will do so successfully. I'm confident that Sarah, Carl, Christi and Kyle are going to be fantastic teachers who will have an incredible impact upon the children in their classrooms. I know that Dusty is going to ROCK UNT's world and when she's done that the autism field will have gained a great asset. I am sure that Josh will do an excellent job working at DSS. He has definitely already excelled in his internship. I'm still on the fence about myself. I think I'd be fine in grad school though I know it will be a great challenge... but if I don't get in I'd be just as happy working for Child Protective Services or perhaps in a school. But for now I think we'll all be ok... if not great. 

I think for the most part I am excited about moving on. Its scary because you can't go back. There is no rewinding or starting over. But the future is wide open... and I'll take it as it comes... and maybe give it a few surprises of my own.
Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself

Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees
If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
I'd not be on this road tonight

Carry on

Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
It doesn't save you from your troubled mind

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees
[That Lonesome Road- James Taylor] (seriously???)

Spring Cometh

It feels like march outside. So I am going shoe-less as much as possible. If I could I wouldn't wear shoes from March to October. I would have really dirty, nasty feet, but at least I'd be free of the constraints of footwear. I love the feeling of warm concrete and cool grass. Be it burning hot sand or squishy mud, I'm happy. Feet are washable. I think tennis shoes in summer is a crime. Speaking of shoes. I realized as I was running yesterday (and my shins were screaming) that I've had the same pair of running shoes since freshman year. 3 years of the same nikes. I think they are done. My shins definitely agree. Ouch. It seems strange that just 4 days ago there was snow on the ground. Now I believe it is mid-march outside. Its beautiful. I feel the need to go hiking. Or biking. Canoeing. something 'ing.' Instead I'm still in my pj's laying on my bed writing a paper for Dr. Wallace. (Dear Dr. Wallace: stop assigning papers. Love, girl stuck inside on pretty day) Last night was terrific. Dusty, Chelsea, Laura, Brittany, Sarah Jean, and I went to Macaroni Grill. While we were driving up there a song came on (Walk Away) that has always kind of been one of dusty and my songs. and the lyrics were kind of perfect (she found out she got into grad school) and I burst into tears, much to everyones surprise. I cried three times last night. That moment, then I gave a toast at dinner to my girls. Then on the way home again because of another song. Anywho, we had fun. Dinner then a trip to target to get invitations..and a few other random purchases. HYSTERICAL laughter in the Marble Slab. (x-rated conversation) Then Dusty and I went to visit Kenny and Yoder and made a midnight trip to McDonald's because they wanted milkshakes. We went to bed around 2am... without the sheets for the second saturday in a row. Then this morning we texted yonder* and kenny and went to the Blessed Cafe (our own version of the O.C. diner) and ate breakfast and sat there for 2 hours. I think we were disturbing the people around us, but we had fun. Lots of laughter and good conversation. As for this afternoon I am going to finish this paper, go run in my terrible shoes, and then around 5 Kyle is coming home from Pittsburgh. He has only been gone for 2 days but it feels like much longer and I am so excited to see him. :) 

For Dusty:

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
[boston-augustana]

February Already? and Is it ONLY February?

So (yet again with the teeny font.sorry) a lot has happened in the first month of school. I am dating someone new. It has snowed twice. I've written more papers and essays in a month than I did all last semester. I took two tests, which is only worth mentioning because they were the first tests I'd taken since last april. I applied to graduate school. My older brother got engaged. My little brother moved to Italy. I've officially set a record for the longest amount of time I've ever gone without seeing my mom. (its been almost 5 months) I haven't felt truly lonely or sad in well over a month. 

3 of these things I really didn't see coming at all.

1. Seriously dating someone. I told Dusty, and myself,  over Christmas that I was going to go the entire semester (o-em-gee i know) without dating because it would be good for me and I didn't want to get attached and I didn't think I was really ready and I was just going to leave to go to San Diego anyway. Dusty laughed in my face (ouch) but in retrospect she knew more about what was probably going to happen than I did. She knows me well and I love her dearly for it. One of the more hilarious moments over Christmas break was when Marcus (dusty's brother) stole my phone (i had been texting kyle constantly for a few hours...or...weeks) and sent kyle a message that said something along the lines of "I want to kiss you all over your body" I was mortified and dusty was laughing so I put her in a headlock and threw her onto a giant beanbag chair. I tried very hard to tell everyone and myself that nothing was going on and we were just good friends (blahblahblahblah). Then on New Years, Kyle spilled the beans to Dusty that he "liked" me. Eventually I was clued in on what was going on and I honestly had no idea what to expect. I simply told Kyle that we would talk when I got back because I didn't want to have that conversation on the phone. After that all I wanted was to get back to school and talk to him but I had to wait a few more days... I was a little surprised at my strange desire to actually come back to this blessed place. Like I said, totally not what I expected. So finally Sunday rolled around and Dusty and I made the long haul back to school. We got back and ate dinner and then Kyle came over to my apartment at around 9. I sat on the couch and he sat in a chair and threw skittles at me. We watched movies (I discovered how cheesy and awful Independence Day is) and talked about the break and school and everything under the sun except what we were supposed to be talking about. He finally stopped the pointless conversation at some point (perhaps around 2am) and mentioned that we had not talked about IT yet. And I shook my head and said no we haven't. He was hideously evasive but I probably was too. Around 230 we finally got to the point where the both of us had admitted to having feelings (hahahaha... oh dear... 80% of all men surveyed*...) for each other. And then proceeded to start talking about other stuff again. At about 3:15 (note...he had to be up at 7am that morning) he said "So are we done with that conversation?" I replied with "I guess so, do you have anything else you need to say?"  "uhhh not really" "ok I guess we'll just see what happens" "ok, i guess i should let you get some sleep" "perhaps"   So around 3:30, after an extremely awkward hug, he left and I passed out. On monday or tuesday (i can't remember now) we went out to dinner with Dusty and Corey and then watched a movie. Marking the first time he held my hand. It was somewhat hilarious how it occurred.. and a little violent. But sweet. Two days later, we were sitting on the couch watching a movie and he looked at me kind of funny and I said "what?" He pondered for a moment and then said "So would it be too soon if I kissed you?" I was taken aback that he asked and a little nervous (how old am i...seriously!!!) so I said " I don't know"  (HAHAHA. bad response) So he did anyway... and it wasn't too soon at all. :)  Then we both left for the weekend (oh the humanity!) and on the following Tuesday he asked me to be his girlfriend. Obviously I said yes. The next weekend I ended up going home with him and met his family (woah) and had a great time. So it was a crazy beginning but perfect in its own way. I was surprised by everything and he continues to surprise me everyday. He is hilarious, passionate, caring, sweet, intelligent, quite handsome, honest, and a million other fantastic things. I have not felt this joyful and peaceful in a long long time. He has turned my world upside down.... but in an awesome way.

2. It snowed. Twice. I don't think any of us saw that coming. Absolutely fantastic. I know that many people would think it silly and strange that I am so excited about snow, but I don't care. There is something about watching snow fall that is calming and inspiring. Last night I just sat by my window at 1am and watched it fall. I love walking outside to a fresh blanket of snow. It seems to quiet everything. You can walk outside and it seems like time has slowed and the world has settled down for a nap. Incredible.

3. My older brother getting engaged. I mean... it was quite obvious to me, after spending time with him and Brittany that they were pretty much head over heels but it still threw me for a loop. Even after having so many friends get engaged and married and even having kids, the realization that my brothers and I were old enough for something like this to happen took my breath away. It was one of those moments when your mind flashes back to memories of your siblings as small children. Like riding a bike, or trying to break your ankle, sledding, playing on the beach, Christmas in PJs... and I thought.. umm no. thats not possible. But it is. I am so incredibly happy for him and for Brittany. I'm excited to add on to my fantastic family and to spoil my new nephews... and to finally have a sister!!! I cried a few times that night, but Kyle and Dusty were both there for me and I recovered and realized that I should be happy for them not sitting there being sad for people growing up too fast. I am so thankful friendship that I have with Camden and the privilege that it was to grow up with him.I told myself be happy for the past and get excited and hopeful for the future. And I am.

This is, yet again, an excessively long post I realize. but when I get on tangents (and when I have a paper to write) I tend to just go on and on. So now for that paper... 

I tend to be

Stuck in minor key

Then pale monotony

Holds me down

But luckily 

You are so dear to me

In your charity I go home

[Shine- Blue Foundation]

This is Happiness

The boyfriend and I at a basketball game. (CU vs. North Florida)  I will relate the story of Kyle and I at a later date.... I just wanted to share this photo...

Praying for accumulation...

THIS IS WHAT I WOKE UP TO TUESDAY MORNING!!!!!
After 4 years of waiting, wishing, and praying... we got snow at CU... and they cancelled our classes. Kyle, dusty and I played outside for about an hour and then came back in to thaw (it was about 20 degrees out). We all got showered and then watched the inauguration/ spongebob (its yet to be determined which was more exciting) and then Sarah, Cameron, Carl, and Aaron came over for Baked Ziti (that dusty and I made). After we all just stayed around the apartment marveling at the snow and reminiscing over days long past. It was a truly fabulous day.

A few pictures from Winter 08-09.

A pretty terrible picture of Camden, me, and Fabian at TGI-Fridays in Orlando over Christmas break.
Bok Tower Gardens! Dusty and I went out on a  adventure... exercising our skills from photography class and our new Nikon D-60s 
Me, Abby, and Kristin at Wolf Ridge Ski Resort in NC. I only fell a few times...
Me and dusty in Florida over Christmas break. She had just cut a LOT of hair off. 

Beautiful sunset over Chattanooga, TN in December 

Back to Blogdom...

Its been a while. Wow.... this text is huge. 

and this is really tiny. what the poop.

Oh well. If you are desperate to read this, you can get a magnifying glass or perhaps a stronger prescription. 

Ahhh. The life of a senior in college. Its strange to think about. I look back at the past 4(ish) years and the conglomeration (SAT word baby...or GRE I guess..oi) of emotions, memories, and experiences are enough to overwhelm just about anyone.

 I think back to my first day of classes at Campbell. (The tears are already starting... this is a bad idea) I remember feeling terrified. Not because I knew no one, not because the campus was so huge that I was going to be late, but because the buildings were numbered on my schedule and the actually buildings were numberless.... not a freakin numerical digit in sight. I believe there was (and may still be...) an obscure map that had these numbers on it but who has time to find that? I found my way to Taylor Hall (my home away from home) eventually (yay me!) and hiked to the third floor. It was 8 am and extraordinarily cold in that room. My professor came in, in a wheel chair and introduced himself as Dr. Penny. It took him a good 10 seconds to do this. He has some sort of degenerative disease (I can't remember the name....ahhh) that is slowly breaking down his body. He looked to be about 70 years old but is actually in his mid-50's (or was at the time). He was hilarious.. though I think I was the only one laughing... All of my classmates were already weathered 2nd semester freshman....vets of classroom life at CU...I was simply a newb. Still Dr Penny remains one of my favorite professors I have ever had. The rest of my classes that day and the rest of the week passed by in a flurry of syllabus readings and terrifying homework assignments. (algebra...oh no!) (ten page papers heaven forbid!) By the end of the week I was stressed and a little homesick but excited... and I'd met the person who would be my best friend for the next 3 years. The person who would help me grow, teach me to love and to laugh and to think for myself.  

As the semesters have gone by my entire perception/understanding of Campbell has done a 180. I am no longer frightened of homework assignments or my fellow students in my class. I'm not afraid to ask my professors for help or to turn in work just a wee bit late. I despise the school for its apathy and total lack of culture but I love the way it feels like home. I hate the way the students are treated by the administration but realize that its just simply a way of life on college campuses. I love that I know virtually every nook and cranny of this school and that if the smallest thing changes,, I notice right away. I've learned to hate brick sidewalks and pine needles. (any campbell student knows this is a deadly combination... wet or dry) I laugh (and cringe)  every time it rains because I know that I will be soaking wet up to my knees by the time I get to class. 

I have spent a lot of time this year simply reflecting. Walking around campus and just thinking about "remember that time." (this activity has been canceled recently due to sub-zero temps) I have a hard time realizing that this is it. Once I walk across that stage in May and get that little piece of paper I have virtually driven myself crazy for; I never have to come back. Weird. Never again to walk into the classroom for the first day of class on this campus. Will it be easy not to come back? Probably not. I've lived at this school longer than I have anywhere else... though coming back would be useless too. My friends are what have MADE my college experience and they will all be gone too, some of them already are. 

Friends. wow. Just the other day I ran into Ben Crandall and about a hundred different memories of freshman and sophmore year flooded my brain. My core group that first year  Tommy, Sarah, Ben, Charlotte, Aaron, Steve, Chris (for a short time...i still miss him), Bryan, Brittany, Bryson, Becca, and Erin. These people made my first year at Campbell the most beautiful, painful, hilarious, exciting, and meaningful I had experienced. (I WILL NOT CRY) All of them left a mark upon my life in their own way and I will always treasure the friendship they offered. I make them sound as though they have died. I assure you that they are all living and well. We simply aren't all connected as we were before. Anyway, Sophmore year...  wow. My sophmore year was tumultuous to say the least. I changed my major to social work and met some of the most fabulous people I have ever had the privilege to know. Dusty,Chelsea, Josh, Andrew,Christi, Tyler, Robert, Brandon Ramsey... this list is too long to continue. Lunch on MWF was a defining part of that year. Dusty, Sarah, Chelsea, Christi, Andrew and I ruled a corner of the Oasis. We laughed hysterically and cried too many times to count. We welcomed outsiders on occasion. :) I broke things off with Tommy and then started them back up a few months later. I started working on campus and had a horrible internship experience. I joined CAB and actually got involved. That summer Sarah got married and a lot of things changed. Junior year was intense. Long classes and enough homework to keep me busy. Junior year was a hard year for us all. Things got messy but towards the end of the year there was some healing. We partied and laughed and survived...perhaps just barely.  (those of you who know me or who were involved know what I mean...) Graduation came and went and I left for the summer. This summer was definitely one of change. Tommy and I broke things off again. (a trend?) Hawaii is far away from my life which made it hard to be there but spending the summer with my mom and Jim was a good idea. Kyle and Dusty kept me smiling when they could and time flew by. The next thing I knew I was back for round 4. Senior year. Exciting. Terrifying. Annoying. Strange. I hardly knew what to do with myself without the 190A crew around. Still I figured things out. Kyle introduced me to The O.C. ( i know i know) and Dusty and I literally spent the entire semester watching all 4 seasons while Kyle took a hiatus. Chelsea, Dusty, and I nearly killed each other (and several other people). I turned 21 and lost my head over a guy who didn't deserve my attention. As things came to a close in November Kyle came back and then it was Christmas break. Ahh florida... it was an experience that is fo sho. Christmas break went fast and then we were back and yet again things took an incredible turn. I am happier now that I have been in well over a year and I thank God for the people he has placed in my life who have helped me get here. You know who you are. I am doing my best to be bright, joyful, productive, and purposeful. I will enjoy this last semester. I will love as hard as I can and when May comes around I won't regret any of  the decisions that I have made since January 11 2006. 

This is long I know. But I am in the Oasis and I'm avoiding writing an essay. You didn't have to read the whole thing anyway.

I will always sign off with song lyrics... its just what I do... and so I leave you with this

I must go on standing

You can't break that which isn't yours

I must go on standing

I'm not my own, its not my choice

[Regina Spektor- Apres Moi]