TEN (10)

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People.
1. I'm sorry for the way things ended. But then again I'm not. I was vulnerable and you knew that and took advantage of the fact. I really don't ever want to speak to you again but I hope that you are doing well.
2. I do not understand you at all. maybe you genuinely just don't care about me anymore and thats ok but just stop pretending. I can take it if that is the case but I can't deal with the up and down. I wish I understood what it was that I did that made you dislike me so much.
3. You should stop. Really, this is stupid. I don't understand how you could even begin to think this is a good idea. Are you stupid? Crazy? Maybe just that unstable. You need help. I mean real professional help. Find a therapist. Please.
4. I still miss you in the strangest ways and at the worst times. When I think a lot. When its quiet and I'm alone I still feel this heart wrenching pain that I wish would never return again. I don't want to forget you at all. But you will forget me eventually.
5. You are stupid. You are throwing away your life and pushing everyone that has ever loved you away. I am so angry at you still that it brings tears to my eyes. You couldn't even say goodbye? Over 10 years and you couldn't be bothered to say goodbye. It shouldn't hurt but it does. I shouldn't care but I do. Let her be. Give her space. Figure your life out. You have a lot of apologizing to do.
6. Forever?
7. I appreciate you and love you more than you know. We have been through a lot together and its going to be hard without you. We have shared so much laughter and pain. I hope I know you forever.
8. Just let go! Stop trying to control everything. You'll sleep better I promise. You can't hold everything so close or it will fall apart. You are loved and appreciated and you have lived through and accomplished so much. Just be please. Open your mind and your heart. Love
9. You piss me off royally. really. You do not care for anyone but yourself. Not even him. It shows in your complete and total lack of ability to open up to any new idea or to show excitement for anyone else's joy. Let your gaurd down and everything won't be so hard. Open your eyes. Be nice... even when it hurts.
10. You are a jerk. How could you do that? I should thank you because really it had a good result but I should also punch you for even thinking it. We all had our faults here and I take my share of the blame and it kills me to think of what I did. BUT HOW COULD YOU? We were kind of blind but you knew exactly what you were doing and that you could potentially get away with it. I still haven't forgiven you or myself. I know I should but you seriously screwed us up. I can't believe she speaks to either of us honestly. Ugh. You make me ill.

Nine things about myself.
1. I am going to App state for grad school
2. I sing all the time. Music = love
3. I hate cats
4. I recently discovered that cheese is pretty amazing. Unless its cheddar. Blech
5. I love driving long distances. I long to drive across the country again.
6. I love reading. Whether its serious, in depth or light fun reading I'm there.
7. I am insecure in my relationships with people. I have trust issues
8. ILOVE the beach but want to live in the mountains
9. I wish I could dance... but I am uncoordinated

Eight ways to win my heart and keep it
1. Make me laugh
2. Make me think
3. Make me blush
4. Believe me
5. Be trustworthy
6. Be honest
7. Be openminded
8. Be vulnerable

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
1. Kyle
2. Music
3. Family
4. Faith and uncertainty
5. the "future"
6. French fries
7. Worries

Six things I do before I fall asleep.
1. Brush my teeth
2. Wash my face
3. Decide what bizzare combination of clothing i want to sleep in
4. Stare at my room and wish it was clean
5. Plank
6. Tell kyle goodnight

Five people who mean a lot to me.
1. Kyle
2. Mom
3. Dusty
4. Erin
5. Aunt Lynn

Four things you're wearing right now.
1. Dress slacks
2. Black 4 inch heels
3. Turquoise shirt
4. Underarmor jacket... interesting combo i know

Three songs that you listen to often.
1. For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti- Sufjan Stevens
2. Blue and Gold Print- Mates of State
3. Fallen- Sarah Mclachlan

Two things you want to do before you die.
1. Go to Scotland and the Czech Republic
2. Make a difference in someone life who really needs it

One thing you want right now.
1. I wish it was Saturday. Wedding showers and rebellion with Sara. And best of all Kyle is coming back.