The One Where They Grew Up

Friends anyone? 

So. Yesterday I received a phone call at 8pm from App State. I have been invited for the GAPP interview weekend! This means that I am interviewing for two separate positions ( RD or Community Development) as a graduate assistant. Unfortunately it does not mean that I got into the graduate school. Still waiting on them to finish "reviewing" my applications. (HOW LONG DOES THAT TAKE!!?!?!?) I am so nervous. But extremely excited. I go up there next Thursday (YIKES) and  they have all sorts of meet and greet type things. I'll stay with another graduate student and there is tours of the school and the town and then on Friday and Saturday the interviews take place. I was literally jumping up and down I was so excited. This is a rare occurrence (those of you who know me, know this) but it was quite liberating. I called my mom and managed to get it all out to her before i squealed again. Then I ran outside to call dusty (stupid cell service) and we squealed together. Then as I was hanging up with Dusty, Kyle came walking up and I ran down the stairs and jumped on him and stringed some words that apparently made sense to tell him what was happening. AHHHH. Then today and when i got to the office and my supervisor got off the phone I told her, the other intern and the other caseworker what was happening... and squealed a few more times. I was starting to go into a mild panic this afternoon but then I talked to Lance and he gave me some pointers on what to say and how to act and I feel much more confident. Right now anyway. Next week I will be a mess I'm sure. oi vey.

SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

But anyway: On growing up.

Yesterday we had the School of Education convocation. Basically a commissioning service. They hold it every year and its mostly directed at Education majors but they include the Psych and Social Work majors anyway. We wear graduation robes and walk and everything. Dean Nery BUTCHERED my name as I walked across the stage. absolutely mangled it. Ssstory CATlin Urbaanik? I cringed as Mr. Gore handed me my pin and could hear my classmates giggling behind me. I was happy as a lark cause we were allowed to sit wherever so I sat with Kyle (duh) and we were ourselves and made fun of people most of the service. They sang Lonesome Road. LONESOME ROAD. One of the worlds most depressing songs ever. i mean. SERIOUSLY.   Dusty and Sarah shot me a look from where they were sitting and we just rolled our eyes and laughed at the horrible choice in music. We could laugh only because its not graduation. Had it been graduation the 3 of us would have been bawling our eyes out. 

But anyway. It was kind of a precursor to graduation. And it made me realize even more how close that blessed day is. (88 days!) I am nervous excited sad and scared... and maybe just a wee bit proud. Not just of myself, of my friends too. I'm proud of the fact that we made it (almost) and that we did it together (for the most part) and that we are supportive of each other. I'm proud of the knowledge (academic and otherwise) that we have obtained and the growth we have all experienced. I'm so happy to report that I am confident that these people that I stood on stage with are ready to move on and to work or go to grad school and that they will do so successfully. I'm confident that Sarah, Carl, Christi and Kyle are going to be fantastic teachers who will have an incredible impact upon the children in their classrooms. I know that Dusty is going to ROCK UNT's world and when she's done that the autism field will have gained a great asset. I am sure that Josh will do an excellent job working at DSS. He has definitely already excelled in his internship. I'm still on the fence about myself. I think I'd be fine in grad school though I know it will be a great challenge... but if I don't get in I'd be just as happy working for Child Protective Services or perhaps in a school. But for now I think we'll all be ok... if not great. 

I think for the most part I am excited about moving on. Its scary because you can't go back. There is no rewinding or starting over. But the future is wide open... and I'll take it as it comes... and maybe give it a few surprises of my own.
Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself

Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees
If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
I'd not be on this road tonight

Carry on

Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
It doesn't save you from your troubled mind

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees
[That Lonesome Road- James Taylor] (seriously???)

Spring Cometh

It feels like march outside. So I am going shoe-less as much as possible. If I could I wouldn't wear shoes from March to October. I would have really dirty, nasty feet, but at least I'd be free of the constraints of footwear. I love the feeling of warm concrete and cool grass. Be it burning hot sand or squishy mud, I'm happy. Feet are washable. I think tennis shoes in summer is a crime. Speaking of shoes. I realized as I was running yesterday (and my shins were screaming) that I've had the same pair of running shoes since freshman year. 3 years of the same nikes. I think they are done. My shins definitely agree. Ouch. It seems strange that just 4 days ago there was snow on the ground. Now I believe it is mid-march outside. Its beautiful. I feel the need to go hiking. Or biking. Canoeing. something 'ing.' Instead I'm still in my pj's laying on my bed writing a paper for Dr. Wallace. (Dear Dr. Wallace: stop assigning papers. Love, girl stuck inside on pretty day) Last night was terrific. Dusty, Chelsea, Laura, Brittany, Sarah Jean, and I went to Macaroni Grill. While we were driving up there a song came on (Walk Away) that has always kind of been one of dusty and my songs. and the lyrics were kind of perfect (she found out she got into grad school) and I burst into tears, much to everyones surprise. I cried three times last night. That moment, then I gave a toast at dinner to my girls. Then on the way home again because of another song. Anywho, we had fun. Dinner then a trip to target to get invitations..and a few other random purchases. HYSTERICAL laughter in the Marble Slab. (x-rated conversation) Then Dusty and I went to visit Kenny and Yoder and made a midnight trip to McDonald's because they wanted milkshakes. We went to bed around 2am... without the sheets for the second saturday in a row. Then this morning we texted yonder* and kenny and went to the Blessed Cafe (our own version of the O.C. diner) and ate breakfast and sat there for 2 hours. I think we were disturbing the people around us, but we had fun. Lots of laughter and good conversation. As for this afternoon I am going to finish this paper, go run in my terrible shoes, and then around 5 Kyle is coming home from Pittsburgh. He has only been gone for 2 days but it feels like much longer and I am so excited to see him. :) 

For Dusty:

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
[boston-augustana]

February Already? and Is it ONLY February?

So (yet again with the teeny font.sorry) a lot has happened in the first month of school. I am dating someone new. It has snowed twice. I've written more papers and essays in a month than I did all last semester. I took two tests, which is only worth mentioning because they were the first tests I'd taken since last april. I applied to graduate school. My older brother got engaged. My little brother moved to Italy. I've officially set a record for the longest amount of time I've ever gone without seeing my mom. (its been almost 5 months) I haven't felt truly lonely or sad in well over a month. 

3 of these things I really didn't see coming at all.

1. Seriously dating someone. I told Dusty, and myself,  over Christmas that I was going to go the entire semester (o-em-gee i know) without dating because it would be good for me and I didn't want to get attached and I didn't think I was really ready and I was just going to leave to go to San Diego anyway. Dusty laughed in my face (ouch) but in retrospect she knew more about what was probably going to happen than I did. She knows me well and I love her dearly for it. One of the more hilarious moments over Christmas break was when Marcus (dusty's brother) stole my phone (i had been texting kyle constantly for a few hours...or...weeks) and sent kyle a message that said something along the lines of "I want to kiss you all over your body" I was mortified and dusty was laughing so I put her in a headlock and threw her onto a giant beanbag chair. I tried very hard to tell everyone and myself that nothing was going on and we were just good friends (blahblahblahblah). Then on New Years, Kyle spilled the beans to Dusty that he "liked" me. Eventually I was clued in on what was going on and I honestly had no idea what to expect. I simply told Kyle that we would talk when I got back because I didn't want to have that conversation on the phone. After that all I wanted was to get back to school and talk to him but I had to wait a few more days... I was a little surprised at my strange desire to actually come back to this blessed place. Like I said, totally not what I expected. So finally Sunday rolled around and Dusty and I made the long haul back to school. We got back and ate dinner and then Kyle came over to my apartment at around 9. I sat on the couch and he sat in a chair and threw skittles at me. We watched movies (I discovered how cheesy and awful Independence Day is) and talked about the break and school and everything under the sun except what we were supposed to be talking about. He finally stopped the pointless conversation at some point (perhaps around 2am) and mentioned that we had not talked about IT yet. And I shook my head and said no we haven't. He was hideously evasive but I probably was too. Around 230 we finally got to the point where the both of us had admitted to having feelings (hahahaha... oh dear... 80% of all men surveyed*...) for each other. And then proceeded to start talking about other stuff again. At about 3:15 (note...he had to be up at 7am that morning) he said "So are we done with that conversation?" I replied with "I guess so, do you have anything else you need to say?"  "uhhh not really" "ok I guess we'll just see what happens" "ok, i guess i should let you get some sleep" "perhaps"   So around 3:30, after an extremely awkward hug, he left and I passed out. On monday or tuesday (i can't remember now) we went out to dinner with Dusty and Corey and then watched a movie. Marking the first time he held my hand. It was somewhat hilarious how it occurred.. and a little violent. But sweet. Two days later, we were sitting on the couch watching a movie and he looked at me kind of funny and I said "what?" He pondered for a moment and then said "So would it be too soon if I kissed you?" I was taken aback that he asked and a little nervous (how old am i...seriously!!!) so I said " I don't know"  (HAHAHA. bad response) So he did anyway... and it wasn't too soon at all. :)  Then we both left for the weekend (oh the humanity!) and on the following Tuesday he asked me to be his girlfriend. Obviously I said yes. The next weekend I ended up going home with him and met his family (woah) and had a great time. So it was a crazy beginning but perfect in its own way. I was surprised by everything and he continues to surprise me everyday. He is hilarious, passionate, caring, sweet, intelligent, quite handsome, honest, and a million other fantastic things. I have not felt this joyful and peaceful in a long long time. He has turned my world upside down.... but in an awesome way.

2. It snowed. Twice. I don't think any of us saw that coming. Absolutely fantastic. I know that many people would think it silly and strange that I am so excited about snow, but I don't care. There is something about watching snow fall that is calming and inspiring. Last night I just sat by my window at 1am and watched it fall. I love walking outside to a fresh blanket of snow. It seems to quiet everything. You can walk outside and it seems like time has slowed and the world has settled down for a nap. Incredible.

3. My older brother getting engaged. I mean... it was quite obvious to me, after spending time with him and Brittany that they were pretty much head over heels but it still threw me for a loop. Even after having so many friends get engaged and married and even having kids, the realization that my brothers and I were old enough for something like this to happen took my breath away. It was one of those moments when your mind flashes back to memories of your siblings as small children. Like riding a bike, or trying to break your ankle, sledding, playing on the beach, Christmas in PJs... and I thought.. umm no. thats not possible. But it is. I am so incredibly happy for him and for Brittany. I'm excited to add on to my fantastic family and to spoil my new nephews... and to finally have a sister!!! I cried a few times that night, but Kyle and Dusty were both there for me and I recovered and realized that I should be happy for them not sitting there being sad for people growing up too fast. I am so thankful friendship that I have with Camden and the privilege that it was to grow up with him.I told myself be happy for the past and get excited and hopeful for the future. And I am.

This is, yet again, an excessively long post I realize. but when I get on tangents (and when I have a paper to write) I tend to just go on and on. So now for that paper... 

I tend to be

Stuck in minor key

Then pale monotony

Holds me down

But luckily 

You are so dear to me

In your charity I go home

[Shine- Blue Foundation]