Go Phillies

My favorite things:

• Spending time with Kyle
• Waking up earlier than normal at my aunts house and drinking coffee with whatever adults happen to be present
• Talking to my mom on the phone
• Hiking on a crisp fall day
• The first time I have to scrape ice off of my windshield
• Weddings
• Things that are orange or purple
• Rainy days and good books
• Discovering a really good beer with Kyle. (founders wet-hopped WHERE ARE YOU?)
• Waiting a really long time for food at Tupelos
• A good scary movie
• Biscuits
• Great Danes
• Making people laugh
• Thai and Indian food
• Lighting fires in the wood stove
• Babies laughing
• A good hug
• Snuggling :)

I can't take it

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Every time I leave I die a little more somewhere inside. That sounds really dramatic I know. But I truly feel it. I feel it in the tears that escape as I drive away and in that horrid empty feeling that comes when I get back to Boone. I hate it here. I hate the sadness and the stress that I feel. I hate not coming home to you. I can't even sleep in my own bed without you here. I sleep on the couch half the time.

Its all so ridiculous. I don't want to be this needy person. I want to be strong and say "yeah the next 20 months are going to fly by and everything will be great!" But I can't. I can't stay here. I can't feel this heartache for that much longer. Its hard enough now when I am free to come and go on the weekends. Next semester will require a job and then I'll be stuck. Then that internship? Yeah they tell you to say goodbye to your personal relationships. I can't. Its not worth it to me.

I've come to realize that I am not here for me anymore. I was excited about this at the beginning but my heart is not in it. I am not putting forth enough effort to make this worth it. I'm not strong enough for this right now. But who on earth is going to understand that? WHO? Will you? Would you please? I need you to understand and to help me. I need my parents and my family to understand and support my decision. I want out so bad. I should have listened to my heart 3 months ago when I realized I was not ready for this. I thought stepping down from the RD role would help.. and it has somewhat. But school is just not where I can be right now.

S.O.S

10.01.09

I don't know what I'm more afraid of

• The desperate need to fill silence or silence itself
• What is or isn't said
• Change or the lack thereof
• Never making any promises or dealing with the fallout of the unfulfilled
• What is hidden in the dark or what the light reveals

One might say I was stuck.

Random thoughts

 A List:

1.  I think that being widowed should be illegal. Or I guess just impossible. 

2. I think that we have more control over our bodies than most people realize

3. The veins in my wrist freak me out (along with that impossible bone that sticks out)

4. I don't understand how someone can tell someone else they love them and then go out and cheat on them

5. I want to go to another Death Cab concert

6. The constant shower of advertisements on the radio/television/highway make me dizzy. and sick to my stomach

7. The only fast food I really like is ChickFilA

8. I often find myself hoping to be a certain kind of person.. while I'm doing the very things that contradict said ideals

9. Baking is good for the soul, bad for the arteries

10. I want a baby, until I hear one screaming, then I want to run

11. I don't really miss being a child

12. I don't think I've ever actually yelled at someone out of anger but I do wonder what it would feel like

13. 'Your Mom' is a phrase I should cut out of my vocabulary

14. Coffee without milk is gross

15. Everyone should have a front porch... and the people who have them should spend more time on them

16. I hate walking by someone who is visibly upset... but don't have the guts to ask if they are ok. 

17. Some sad songs make me feel better, some scare me

18. The last time I laughed til I cried was when I launched a chopsticks wrapper into my moms water glass

19. I love sunrises on the beach

20. I'd rather it be raining than sunny

I can't get used to it

So I guess its time to blog about graduation. Here goes

I'll start with Thursday... well I guess Wednesday (May 6th) Wednesday Kyle and I drove to Chapel Hill because Josh was having a graduation party at his house . It was a lot of fun. I think Kyle was crowned the BP king for the night. Then we went out on the town (at midnight) and around 2:30 when the place started to close down we went to wait for the bus... which never came. So we flagged a taxi which took us as far as $10 would take us... and then we walked back to the house, ate pizza, and passed out between 430 and 5. At 830 the next morning we had to get up and drive back to Campbell. I was meeting Dusty, Chelsea, and Sarah Jean for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory in Raleigh. We had a lot of fun with that. Strangely enough we ended up meeting up with my dad in the mall wherein a 15 minute argument about the best way to get back to school ensued. We picked up Kyle's cookie cake (which unfortunately it turned out they could not make a spongebob graduation cake), and realizing it was 2 p.m. already and we had a party to get ready for (round 2) we hit the road. Of course I cried because I had to say goodbye to Chelsea because she wasn't coming to the party* 

Moving on. Kyle and I got to Dusty's before everyone else so I could give dusty her present.. and just incase my parents got there early. I popped open a BLL and talked and laughed with the people in the house. One by one people started arriving. My dad got there and gave me part of my graduation present (a tripod and monopod holla!) and then I believe my mom and jim arrived right as dinner was being served (baked ziti!!) We sat down to eat and Lance and Amber, Sara, Cameron, Aaron, Brittany, Josh, Johnny B and others trickled in.  Surprise of all surprises Chelsea walked in. I think I actually shrieked. For those of you that know me well.. this does not happen. It was a crazy combination of people. I love them all. 

Dinner was eaten and people spread out around the house just chatting and catching up. I felt like a bouncy ball going back and forth between people trying to take in as much as possible. Lance gave Dusty and I one of the best graduation presents ever. At some point a bunch of us had gathered out on the porch. We were blessed with a spring storm. As soon as it started to pour both dusty and I decided that we of course had to run out in it for old times sake. Then Sarah, Chelsea, and Brittany ran out of the house and we took one last epic run in the rain. It was truly amazing. 

We went inside to mop ourselves up and then someone (i don't remember who) decided to put on Hellgoodbye's Here in your arms. Which is our dance party song from sophomore year. So Chelsea, Sarah Jean, Dusty, and I all joined in for a hysterical and slightly awkward dance. We normally do this in private... not this time.. but alas. We had fun :)

 After that my parents left and Dusty's sort of made themselves scarce then the real party started! Just kidding... haha I suppose after the parents left we probably got louder and crazier but nothing too intense... never our style. 

For a while I just sat on the stairs and watched the laughter and the smiles and listened to the buzz of the conversation. Being a wallflower was always more my style.... Eventually a few other joined me on the stairs and we talked about the old days of Burkot and Campbell and many other irrelevant topics (such as how we were emo for sitting on the stairs) It really was a beautiful night. Even though it was the last time we would be able to get together like that there weren't a lot of tears.I might have been the only one who cried actually...but anyway... Mostly there was just love...

The next day I spent a lot of time packing. Or tried to. Around 11am I broke down but luckily Kyle walked in about 5 minutes later and rescued me. We took some stuff I had and dropped it off at Goodwill and then drove to Cary to meet my parents and Camden and his crew for lunch. After that we just chilled at the hotel my parents were staying at. It seemed a little silly to drive all the way back to school if we were just going to come back for dinner. My grandparents showed up mid-afternoon.  We went to dinner at Sushi-Thai... a restaurant Kyle and I discovered far too late. After dinner we went back to school and packed more and then watched Jackass... comedic relief. 

Saturday. The BIG day. I woke up earlyish to pack more and to get things in order. Kyle came over around 10am after he had gotten everything ready for the day. We wrote our "matriculation day" poem and tried to relax for a while. At about 1030 - 11 my dad and Camden et all arrived. It was HOT. Definitely the hottest day of the year so far. We ran to ChikFila to get some food for everyone and then Ruthie and Heath and my mom and Jim showed up. Everyone left around 1230 to head over to the convocation center to make sure they got seats. Kyle and I walked over to the convocation center to get ourselves seated and lined up. This was the most surreal experience. Walking into the practice gym and seeing all of these people in caps and gowns. We all found our own little hand sanitizer spray bottles in our seat (to protect us all from swine flu... ahem... H1N1) Which I found slightly comical. Then we sat down in our assigned seats for an HOUR proceeding the ceremony. Mr. McGirt droned on for 45 minutes about proper decorum and such... nobody listened. 

Finally around 2 we began marching into the arena. I was the last undergraduate student in line (and to walk) so it was quite the wait. The ceremony was ridiculously long.  Hannah, Amy and I spent a lot of time being silly...to keep ourselves from dying of boredom. At some point I saw where Kyle's family was and I started making weird faces at Ben who was trying to take a picture of me. It made me so happy and proud in a weird way to watch Aaron, Sarah, Dusty, Kyle, and Carl walk across that stage. The social work majors graduate by themselves and we are the last undergraduate program to walk. It was great to see everyone walk. When you spend the majority of 3 years with the same 16 people...working on ridiculous papers and prjects..  you become close in a way. I wasn't really nervous to walk... except that i had really high heels on and I didn't want to trip.. although some comedic relief might have been good for some of the parents in the audience. Finally around 5pm (yes... 3 hours later) the benediction was said and we began the long process of marching out of the arena. It took until 520ish to get everyone outside and ready to take pictures but we finally did it. There was a 15 minute flurry of picture taking and then kyle and I and both of our families had to depart post haste to get to Raleigh. We had reservations at 630... oh dear.

Did I mention it was HOT? We hurried across the street.. figured out the logistics of how everyone was going to get there and then sped off. Kyle and I broke apart from the group so we could make a stop. A storm was busy brewing so it just got hotter and hotter until all hell broke lose. I hate driving in the rain. And driving in 440 in evening traffic in the driving rain is a nightmare. So needless to say when we got to the restuarant I needed to sit in the car for a moment and breathe. But I was also really hungry. Altogether there was about 22 people in our group. We ate  Taverna Agora, a greek restaurant on Glenwood that was just delicious. It was a really fun dinner. By the time I had eaten (and had a glass of wine) and calmed down I as completely exhausted... and about as excited to drive home as I would be to sit through that ceremony again. But we made it... mostly alive. I still had a little bit of packing to do. And Kyle needed to pack for the trip. I think I made it to about 1030 and then fell asleep faster than I can remember doing so in a long time. 

All in all it was a great experience. I understand why a lot of people choose not to walk because it is a hassle but its also an irreplaceable experience. Plus it was new to me as I did not have that option in high school. I really had a great time in the days leading up to the ceremony and the day of. I am so thankful for the family and friends that made the effort to get there and who sat through the entire thing. Especially my 5 and 7 year old nephews and my 82 year old grandfather. Bless their patient souls. 

So whats it like to be done with college you ask? Well first I would just say I'm not really done. I have 2 more years to get through... though it will be different. But otherwise I would just say its still surreal. I still feel like I will be headed by to campbell in August. I know I won't. But I don't think I'll totally realize that until I get settled into the next chapter...

Finding my revolution

So amidst reading Jesus for President and An Irresistible Revolution and also just having a lot of time to think, I find myself aching to find my own revolution. I know in order to do that I have to actually put myself out there and literally actively search for it. But I'm not sure how to go about that. Do I have the courage to go hang out with the homeless population in Honolulu? Certainly not. And what would I say to them when I got there. What on earth do I have to offer. And what about when I leave.  I'm about to become a leader of many young minds (though many not much younger than myself) but how do I reflect the life of Christ to them without forcing my own beliefs onto them. And again... what do I really have to offer? 

I was never much of a conversationalist. I prefer to listen. I don't have any great wisdom to impart. I literally cannot think of a single talent I have that could enrich their lives. 

I guess at the moment there is not much I can do about my future in Boone. And my present... i have no idea. Continue to live selfishly for another month and a half?  Sure I am volunteering time at FOCUS but.... I'm not really sure thats what Jesus had in mind. 

curses.

TEN (10)

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People.
1. I'm sorry for the way things ended. But then again I'm not. I was vulnerable and you knew that and took advantage of the fact. I really don't ever want to speak to you again but I hope that you are doing well.
2. I do not understand you at all. maybe you genuinely just don't care about me anymore and thats ok but just stop pretending. I can take it if that is the case but I can't deal with the up and down. I wish I understood what it was that I did that made you dislike me so much.
3. You should stop. Really, this is stupid. I don't understand how you could even begin to think this is a good idea. Are you stupid? Crazy? Maybe just that unstable. You need help. I mean real professional help. Find a therapist. Please.
4. I still miss you in the strangest ways and at the worst times. When I think a lot. When its quiet and I'm alone I still feel this heart wrenching pain that I wish would never return again. I don't want to forget you at all. But you will forget me eventually.
5. You are stupid. You are throwing away your life and pushing everyone that has ever loved you away. I am so angry at you still that it brings tears to my eyes. You couldn't even say goodbye? Over 10 years and you couldn't be bothered to say goodbye. It shouldn't hurt but it does. I shouldn't care but I do. Let her be. Give her space. Figure your life out. You have a lot of apologizing to do.
6. Forever?
7. I appreciate you and love you more than you know. We have been through a lot together and its going to be hard without you. We have shared so much laughter and pain. I hope I know you forever.
8. Just let go! Stop trying to control everything. You'll sleep better I promise. You can't hold everything so close or it will fall apart. You are loved and appreciated and you have lived through and accomplished so much. Just be please. Open your mind and your heart. Love
9. You piss me off royally. really. You do not care for anyone but yourself. Not even him. It shows in your complete and total lack of ability to open up to any new idea or to show excitement for anyone else's joy. Let your gaurd down and everything won't be so hard. Open your eyes. Be nice... even when it hurts.
10. You are a jerk. How could you do that? I should thank you because really it had a good result but I should also punch you for even thinking it. We all had our faults here and I take my share of the blame and it kills me to think of what I did. BUT HOW COULD YOU? We were kind of blind but you knew exactly what you were doing and that you could potentially get away with it. I still haven't forgiven you or myself. I know I should but you seriously screwed us up. I can't believe she speaks to either of us honestly. Ugh. You make me ill.

Nine things about myself.
1. I am going to App state for grad school
2. I sing all the time. Music = love
3. I hate cats
4. I recently discovered that cheese is pretty amazing. Unless its cheddar. Blech
5. I love driving long distances. I long to drive across the country again.
6. I love reading. Whether its serious, in depth or light fun reading I'm there.
7. I am insecure in my relationships with people. I have trust issues
8. ILOVE the beach but want to live in the mountains
9. I wish I could dance... but I am uncoordinated

Eight ways to win my heart and keep it
1. Make me laugh
2. Make me think
3. Make me blush
4. Believe me
5. Be trustworthy
6. Be honest
7. Be openminded
8. Be vulnerable

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
1. Kyle
2. Music
3. Family
4. Faith and uncertainty
5. the "future"
6. French fries
7. Worries

Six things I do before I fall asleep.
1. Brush my teeth
2. Wash my face
3. Decide what bizzare combination of clothing i want to sleep in
4. Stare at my room and wish it was clean
5. Plank
6. Tell kyle goodnight

Five people who mean a lot to me.
1. Kyle
2. Mom
3. Dusty
4. Erin
5. Aunt Lynn

Four things you're wearing right now.
1. Dress slacks
2. Black 4 inch heels
3. Turquoise shirt
4. Underarmor jacket... interesting combo i know

Three songs that you listen to often.
1. For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti- Sufjan Stevens
2. Blue and Gold Print- Mates of State
3. Fallen- Sarah Mclachlan

Two things you want to do before you die.
1. Go to Scotland and the Czech Republic
2. Make a difference in someone life who really needs it

One thing you want right now.
1. I wish it was Saturday. Wedding showers and rebellion with Sara. And best of all Kyle is coming back.